I need some courage

I reopened my myspace and the other night I started typing in names of my natural mom's family and I hit pay dirt.  I found a nephew of my mom's younger sister by marriage.  He was sweet enough to email me back and last night I got a second email from him with some phone numbers of her and her daughters.  Now I just need the courage to call.  She is the sweet lady that told me all about my natural dad.  But it has been so many years since I have spoken to her I feel kinda weird just popping back into their life.

I have made a decision about my low dose chemo.  I will no longer be doing the infusions.  I have decided from research this is not my safest route to go for my kidneys.  I will be staying on the methotrexate but I am waiting on the research from Stem cells.  From what I have been sent by their foundation I stand a better chance with them then anything else.  So I am asking my family and friends to support Stem cell research simply because one day it could cure me.

I am in a flare right now but we are hoping it will not be a long one.  I have to be very careful with this swine flu thing, so as normal I can not risk being around people.  As for now even going to a doctor's visit is totally unsafe for me.  I am now off to bed, it has been a long day for me and I seem to get tired easier since I am in a flare.

Tomorrow I will be posting more pics of my baby toons and some of Lou's.  Lou is making a cool video with his Corpsman with music and everything.  Once he is done I will be posting it on my myspace so anytime someone wants to see it they can go there and watch it.

Take care, 

licks and nibbles, Dawn

Ever feel like a mushroom?

That is how I am feeling lately.  Stick me in a dark closet and feed me shit.  This coming week I am going to contact my primary care doctor, I still have not heard from my rheumy about me canceling the infusions.  I understand he has been busy trying to get back into the swing of things after having been out of his office for 3 weeks but not even his staff has taken the time to return my calls.  This coming Tuesday it will be 2 weeks since I refused the infusion till I got some solid answers about my kidneys and whether or not the infusion is causing them to react badly.  I go between being sad because he has not called and angry because he has not called.  Then to add icing to the whole frigging cake my refill for my plaquenil was lowered with no explaining why.  For 10 years I have been on 240 mg twice a day and now suddenly I am on 200 mg twice a day.

I often feel myself beginning to freak out, I am dealing with this the best I can, sometimes I feel like I am dealing with it completely alone.  I look at my hands and see my fingers are beginning to twist with all the swelling and damage being done with the lupus and RA.  I have a life stealing illness that is happily attacking my kidneys and I feel like not a damn doctor cares, or at least the one I thought cared.  I feel like what life I have is passing me by.  With no immune system I sit around mainly by myself, oh and my three wonderful dogs (YIPPY)  to afraid that I can catch some germ and end up in the hospital at any given time.  I wonder how much damage with each passing day is being done to my kidneys while my doctor gets his office back into order and ignores my phone calls.

So I take a deep breath, and tell myself you got this far a little further is nothing.  So deep breath is taken.....  I have had my daily rant and now onto something fun.

I actually ran with the Elms tonight in game, a 25 man raid.  It was kinda cool, I got a nice dagger and shoulders for my hunter.  Course the shoulders I did not really want but they were sorta forced on me and low and behold the next boss dropped what I was so wanting, the pretty awesome chest piece I wanted.  Did I get it?  Hell no I got the crappy shoulders, which in turn closed me out for rolling on the chest piece so some whining jack ass got my chest piece.  Oh wait I am whining now.  The dagger is nice thank god I use a bow more since I am a hunter and my kitty normally keeps things off of me and out of my face.  So the dagger is in all actuality an accessories  they make my hips look nice.  

I am off to bed now, cya sometime this weekend.  Have a safe holiday weekend and drive safe.

licks and nibbles, Dawn

Added pics to Myspace

I been taking screen shots of my little toons.  I put them on my pics in myspace but I thought I would show them here also.   So the follow toons are Caress, Myschief and Naughtybaby.

It is me again

It has been a few days since my last posting following my melt down.  

I still have not talked to my doctor about my infusion, I know he is busy since he just returned from being gone nearly 3 weeks and he has a lot of catching up to do.  Part of me is relieved he has not called and another part of me worries he does not have the answers about my kidneys and that frightens me.  I found myself searching for my natural mom's family again, I found possibly one of her brothers and a sister, but I have yet to act on it.  I know silly.  I just have no idea how to even start a conversation with them, hello this is Patricia's daughter I am not sure you remember me, I am the one she gave away, do you remember me now.

I have updated my myspace   www.myspace.com/dawnhatch   for those that want to check it out.

Been playing my little Death Knight in WoW the last few days, kinda enjoy the peace and quiet of being in a guild completely alone.  It is my guild for my little baby toons.  Funny thing is Naughtybaby is a level 72 almost 73 so she is hardly a baby.  Just sometimes I want to play without being pestered by stupid people.  And alone in my guild only I can pester myself.

I need to get some screenies of my other toons to add to my little photos here.

Take care

licks and nibbles, Dawn

P.S. off to work on my writing cya soon

Melt Down

I had a total melt down today.  I refused my infusion.  It turned into a big ball of mess.  I could not sleep last night or today for that matter.  My nerves are shot.  All I can think about is how last June after my second infusion my kidneys took a nose dive and nobody could explain why or seemed to care.  That kept replaying in my mind and left me feeling uneasy about having another infusion done. 

I have been through the kidneys failing, I almost died.  And when my husband tried to explain to the nurse my concerns when she called to chew me out for canceling, she snapped at my husband told him I would still be paying for the time I wasted of hers and she slammed the phone down.  She did not want to hear anything, none of my concerns or worries.  All she kept saying was I wasted her time and I would be still charged.  

I have been on a emotional roller coaster lately with Sierra's health issues and my own and other things that seem to be all crashing in on me.  I just know I can not bring myself to look for my natural family because they knew I existed and they chose not to be part of my life and now suddenly out of the blue I am suppose to say hi remember me well I need your kidney.  It is just something I can not bring myself to do.

I just am afraid that one of the two new drugs is hurting my kidneys and could cause me to go back into kidney failure and this time I will not be so lucky.  And the infusion is the last drug just before they went back last summer I took.  All I wanted was someone to listen to me, I did not expect this nurse to be a rude (excuse me) Bitch like I was taking money out of her pocket.  Her whole attitude made me feel like I did not matter just paying her was all that mattered.

Now emotionally I find myself not able to trust this nurse and doctor, because if that is all I am to them then how do I know they have my best interest at heart.

I should be in bed

First I got Butterscotch her epic flying mount whoohoo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should be in bed tomorrow is going to be a long day, I start my infusion tomorrow of low dose chemo.  Six to eight hours to sit there hooked up receiving the make me better juice. FUN FUN

But I am on edge and nervous and no one to talk too.  So I am watching Girls Next Door with Holly, Bridget and Kendra.  I tried playing more WoW but everyone knows tomorrow is my infusion and they are all asking questions about it and I did not want to get on vent to talk about it.  Too wired.  

So I will not be Twittering tomorrow or posting here until I get home and see how I feel.  Sometimes I feel ok sometimes I feel like crap.  Most the time the first couple of days I feel like crap.  But it is a crap worth getting into, hopefully soon these infusion will kick in and put me into a remission.  A girl can always hope.

Soon I will be posting more updated pics of my little WoW toons.  Been thinking about making a horde toon maybe actually get it pass level 5 lol sometimes the people on Lightbringer can be such ass munchers on the horde side.  I am thinking of making a horde orc female they are so sexy, curvy and kick ass.  Have to think of a name to go with my theme of names, Caress, Myschief, Kyss,Vyxsin, Sassybrat and Naughtybaby.  Butterscotch is special all by herself.

 al-righty  I am off to finish watching my show.  Catch you soon

Nibbles and Licks, Dawn

Another Mother's Day

It was another mother's day spent alone.  Funny you want to have kids, you bring them into the world, you hope to teach them right from wrong, the grow up stepping on your feet and leave home stepping on your heart.  Then mother day rolls around and they are off doing their thing.  Ungrateful little brats.

But this is cool now I can play WoW and have more fun.  I am so close to getting my little Butterscotch her epic flying mount.  Yeah yeah I know she has been level 80 how long..... Look my husband plays WoW also and he thinks my toons are his personal ATM.  He has his Epic flying mount, his fancy dragon. Go ahead ask who got it for him, why me of course !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The pic is of hubby's toon Corpsman on a netherdrake.

I want to welcome Gimpyknee to my friend's list.  We started chatting on Twitter and found out we both enjoy WoW.  He has a cool blog all about WoW so check it out I am sure he would not mind.  We need more twitters that like WoW also to join Twitter have our own little group of followers.  Massive WoW twitters.

Ok I am off to bed, it is actually like 3 am in the morning here, mother day is over with and it is actually Monday morning.  Yeah Yeah I know I am  always a day late and a dollar short.

Licks and Nibbles, Dawn

Off to play WoW

I am off to play WoW ,  I am going to try and get more screenies of Butterscotch my little gnome mage, of Caress my sexy hunter and of Myschief my rogue.  If anyone would like to chat with me I am on Lightbringer and love making new friends.  I also need to play one of my Death Knights.  Sometimes I feel like WoW is my life..... oh wait it is.  I have 3 accounts to keep me entertained since I am home alone A LOT.    So I will catch you all later...  Have a wonderful Saturday !

Licks and Nibbles, Dawn

Happy Dance Day

Quick little post before I slip off to bed....  been playing WOW.  Shocker there I know.

Today Gentech called and gave me wonderful news.  The lady handling my case pushed me threw ahead of everyone and got me another year of them paying for my infusions.  So did the happy dance.

Ok off to bed cya later this afternoon.

Licks and Nibbles, Dawn

Before I head to Bed new things

First) Sierra walked without her walker today.  She still has them just incase she is over doing it.  Her arm is even doing better.  I know it frustrate her when she tries to hold things but nothing is stopping this kid.

Second) I love Twittering, it is so much fun.  I actually have stars that are following me is that just amazing .  One is Sierra's very very favorite Miley from Hannah Montana.  I read all the up dates and laugh.  These people are a total riot.  So if you have never Twittered get with it, it will make you smile and laugh and it takes only a few seconds to post something.

Third) I received a wonderful phone call today.  My Infusions are back on.  So the 12th is a go day for me.  I have to be there at 8:30 in the morning for 8 wonderful hours hook to a IV but all I can say is YES FINALLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forth and final)  Love ya all

Licks and nibbles, Dawn

Miss Sierra, friends and her puppy

I got this and wanted all my family and friends to see how remarkable Sierra is.  She went to texas and the doctor is hopeful the swelling will go down and he increased her new medicine.

So I believe in this man, this doctor that he would never in a million years put Sierra in harms way.

As you see her rehab is working, she still gets tired and has to still use her wheel chair but she is very very determined to walk again and get home to her family and her puppy.  I am also very proud of my daughter for giving Sierra the faith to believe she can do anything and not to let anything or anyone tell her different.  So here is my little doll doing the most remarkable thing being a little girl =)

I am now a twitter

I have my very own TWITTER.  It is actually fun and you can follow tons of interesting people.

I have found a lot of people TWITTER.  So I ask you do you TWITTER?

http://twitter.com/Myschief

Cya all when I get wake up, have a wonderful day.

licks and nibbles, Dawn

Another stumbling block

Today I received a phone call from my Doctor about my infusions.  I spent the day feeling totally sorry for myself and having a big huge PITY ME party.  Then I got the pictures of Sierra during her hospital stay and realize this kid is amazing she has battled so much in her young life and lets nothing get her down,  She just keeps coming back like the ever ready bunny fully charged and ready to take the world on.  And here I was crying like a baby because my infusion got canceled again and I felt at ropes end.  But like I said her picture woke me up and made me realize if I could be 1/4 as strong as she is this is just another stumbling block and I can get by it.

All I was told was I needed to see the Doctor first and he would discuss with me what was going on.  I know he is ordering new blood work and his nurse gave me a hint he found something off in my last set that he had missed.  So he canceled the infusion for the 12th till I see him.  So for now the pity party is over and I am going to take a much needed lesson from a little girl that can conquer the world and make people smile just by seeing her smile.

Love and hugs, Dawn

Pictures of Sierra and more

Today I got some pictures of Miss Sierra while she was in the hospital for her brain surgeries and also a picture of her holding her new adorable Boston Terrier which was a wonderful gift.  The first picture is of her and her new puppy.  The other three are of her stay at Cook's Children Hospital in Texas during her brain surgeries.   The one where she is smiling and looking a little loopy is because she is.  The others are after the surgeries and the machines she was connected too.  Do you not just love her new white hat, thank goodness they did not completely shave her head or we would still be hearing about it.  

The reason I am posting the pictures is because I want family and friends to see how remarkable she is.  

Writing Again

I am writing again.  For a long time I had completely stopped, my real life was making me so unhappy that I turned to my game and nothing else.  But the other night I found I could not sleep because the pain was unbearable and I flat refused to take yet another pain medicine.  I found myself pulling up my notes, and my first draft of my writing and found myself working on the second draft with the needed corrections.  Next thing I knew it was 7 am in the morning and I had worked out almost 2 chapters and I had totally forgotten about the pain.  It felt good.  So maybe by the end of this year I will actually finally have a book on the shelves in many book stores.

I have been approached about writing a romance novel but not sure yet.  I love writing for children.  When Sierra was younger and she would be sick I would sit and rock her and make up stories for her to help her forget she was sick or hurting.  The one I am working on now is for her.  I started wanting the main child in the story to be a little boy named Michael,but got talked into making the child a little girl and I changed the entire part and the child went from being Michael to Khloe.

nibbles and licks, Dawn