Melt Down

I had a total melt down today.  I refused my infusion.  It turned into a big ball of mess.  I could not sleep last night or today for that matter.  My nerves are shot.  All I can think about is how last June after my second infusion my kidneys took a nose dive and nobody could explain why or seemed to care.  That kept replaying in my mind and left me feeling uneasy about having another infusion done. 

I have been through the kidneys failing, I almost died.  And when my husband tried to explain to the nurse my concerns when she called to chew me out for canceling, she snapped at my husband told him I would still be paying for the time I wasted of hers and she slammed the phone down.  She did not want to hear anything, none of my concerns or worries.  All she kept saying was I wasted her time and I would be still charged.  

I have been on a emotional roller coaster lately with Sierra's health issues and my own and other things that seem to be all crashing in on me.  I just know I can not bring myself to look for my natural family because they knew I existed and they chose not to be part of my life and now suddenly out of the blue I am suppose to say hi remember me well I need your kidney.  It is just something I can not bring myself to do.

I just am afraid that one of the two new drugs is hurting my kidneys and could cause me to go back into kidney failure and this time I will not be so lucky.  And the infusion is the last drug just before they went back last summer I took.  All I wanted was someone to listen to me, I did not expect this nurse to be a rude (excuse me) Bitch like I was taking money out of her pocket.  Her whole attitude made me feel like I did not matter just paying her was all that mattered.

Now emotionally I find myself not able to trust this nurse and doctor, because if that is all I am to them then how do I know they have my best interest at heart.