Today has been a rough day for me. I have been bursting into tears every time I turn around. I have never felt this low as I do right at this moment. This year has sucked, and it is only April.
I have held this in so long, but right now I need to let it out if I am to feel better. I lost someone who is very dear to me, someone who was so much more then a friend. I believed our friendship was strong and that we were there for one another through good times and bad. Then suddenly I realized that it was possibly only one of us that felt that way and it shattered me. The one person I counted on was no longer there. No this person did not pass away, but it hurts just as bad since she turned her back on me and our friendship. I find myself often reaching for the phone and think " I need to tell......" and I realize she is not there for me anymore.
The male that came between us is now trying to be friends with me again in my game I play. Part of me wants to tell him off and ask him what game is he playing now, why the so nice, so sweet so caring act. And another part of me wants to try and understand why I lost my friend over this man. I want to ask was he really worth walking away from a 10 year friendship, was he so wonderful and amazing that you had to hurt me so deeply, was I ever really your friend?
Then I am dealing with being in Charleston and away from family, my granddaughter is going through a hard time right now with health issues and I feel so far away. I miss my family with each and every breath I take, to the point I am miserable. I am dealing with my own health issues, I feel like I am at the end of a very dark tunnel and there is no light at the end.
There are times I want to just shake my husband and say "hey I am here, NOTICE ME." But he goes to work, calls to check on me laughing and joking, then he comes home at the end of the day and he is cranky and mean and hurtful. He goes into the office puts on headset and turns his music up and turns me off. I am home all day by myself with 3 dogs that I hate, and at night I am alone with the man I gave everything up for and he ignores me and I again wonder why.
Am I such a bad person that people thinks it is okay to hurt me, shut me out or turn their back on. I wonder why do I try so hard to make things work when nobody else cares, why should I care when they don't?
Living with a disease that you know is killing you is not a easy thing, You wake up every morning thinking this could be my last day. You shake off the bad thoughts and you smile and tell yourself in a strong voice " I will not let you beat me." But when the people you love and care about walk away and leave you totally alone you find yourself whispering, "Go ahead beat me I just do not care anymore." You feel all the fight being sucked out of you. And you cry alone.
I try saying to myself shake it off, forget them, you have yourself to think of, you have to beat this God awful illness. You stubbornly wipe the tears away and you say in a strong voice, "I will not let you beat me, I can do it alone!"
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